Note: I wrote this awhile ago and then forgot to post it. Since I’ve having some issues getting my newest post onto wordpress, read this in the meantime. You might laugh. If you don’t keep in mind that it was funnier back when people were actually seeing the movie. I promise.

~

Zach Snyder: ready, we’re going to have Batman and Superman fight.

Superman: Okay

Batman: I’m magic

~

(Somewhere that is not America)

Person of Color No.1: I am pretty sure I am a terrorist

Person of Color No. 2: yes. Look, we have captured Amy Adams!

POC1: Why would they even hire her for this movie? She’s going to be totally wasted on this film.

Amy Adams as Lois: Save me, Superman! In The Year 2016, Save Me! A Grown-Ass Woman!

POC2: Agreed. Also, I have been crushed.

(Superman saves her)

Lois: Bae

Superman: Let us leave now.

(White terrorists kill black terrorists, because white people are even better at terrorism!)

~

(Later)

First Black Person Who Isn’t A Terrorist: Hi

Reporter: Are You A Terrorist?!

~

(Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne meet at a Lex Luthor event)

Lex Luthor: Hello, I am Jesse Eisenberg playing Lex Luthor. Some people actually praised me for how I played this part, because every other character in this movie acts as if they just watched a puppy die! However, I am still fucking obnoxious!

Reviewers: What spirit! He’s actually having fun in this movie!

Crowd at Manor: Yay or something!

Audience: I’m actually at this movie.

Kent (to Wayne): Batman’s a jerk.

Wayne (to Kent): Don’t you write for a shitty newspaper?

Kent: Yeah-No, we just like to write about Superman.

Wayne: Superman’s a jerk.

Kent: No, he’s great.

Wayne: Well, Batman’s great.

Kent: He Is Not

Wayne: My, this sure is a battle of wits.

Kent: Okay I agree this establishes how smart and affluent we are.

Zach Snyder & No One Else: Yessssssss!

~

(Later, at the Senate)

Senator: People died where you were.

Superman: Uh…

Senator: You are overstepping your bounds. I’m going to talk to Lex Luthor about this.

Audience: Does…anyone…in this…movie…think?

~

Senator: let’s stop Superman, who I think might be too powerful.

Lex Luthor: ah, Superman. What a prick. He answers to no one. I, on the other hand, head up a multinational corporation that clearly has questionable ethics standards and functions essentially outside the law as well.

Senator: Hmm, no actually I think we shouldn’t talk.

Lex Luthor: No I think we should.

Senator: Huh, okay.

(Later)

Senator: No, we should not talk.

Lex Luthor: He could she possibly get that I’m evil? Ah well, time to blow her up.

~

Snyder: Okay what’s the most offensive, awful event I could shoehorn into this plotline where the Senator is blow up?

Scriptwriter: Uh…maybe a disabled veteran could blow himself up inside a senatorial hearing?

Snyder: Brilliant.

Scriptwriter: that was supposed to be hypothetical

Snyder: Hypowhat? Anyway, put it in.

~

Senator: Superman, you’re doing things.

Superman: Yes I am.

(Explosion)

Superman: Shit, I’m getting blamed for this by total morons, aren’t I?

~

Batman: Wow, I definitely blame Superman for that.

Alfred: Sir, shouldn’t you have children by now?

Batman: I can’t do math, you see.

Alfred: Yes, sir.

Batman: and thus, I have to kill him.

Audience: oh…c’mon, really?

~

Lex Luthor: I have two brilliant plans. I’m obnoxious.

Audience: How much screentime does he get?

General Zod: Is…is there a reason I’m still not decomposed or…?

Lex Luthor: I’m going to make you into Doomsday using my blood and an alien spacecraft that for some goddamn reason listens to me, okay?

General Zod: Excellent, there are no plot holes here. I am also dead and therefore cannot disagree.

~

Lex Luthor: Superman, I hate you.

Superman: Okay.

Lex Luthor: I have your mom captive.

Superman: Hey, that sucks. I am displaying emotion for the first time in the movie.

Lex Luthor: Fight Batman.

Superman: What?

Lex Luthor: (blowhard speech about gods and men and bullshit)

Superman: Okay, okay I’ll fight him leave me alone.

Lex Luthor: if you don’t fight him, your mom dies.

Superman: Okay, I think I already agreed to fight him.

~

(Batman and Superman begin to fight)

Superman: Hello, we shouldn’t fight because–

(Batman attempts to kill him, Superman is unfazed)

Superman: Ahem. We shouldn’t fight because–

(Batman attempts to kill him again, Superman is again unfazed)

Superman: that’s weird. Thought you didn’t like guns? Anyway–

Batman: You’re a threat to this world! You damaged my penis–I mean, my car!

(Batman starts fight again, Superman kicks his ass)

Batman: Owwwww

Superman: shit, I forgot what I was going to say! Somehow, against all odds, I’m not fucking mentioning that I’m only fighting you because of Lex Luthor!

Batman: I only have two kryptonite-grenades for some reason, but I just remembered I made those so HA take that.

(Batman throws kryptonite grenade, it hurts Superman. Batman kicks Superman’s ass)

Superman: Owwwww

Batman: I’m going to stick a spear through your chest!

Superman: No don’t, my mom!

Batman: Fucking what?

Lois Lane: His mom’s name is Martha.

Batman: Good point. That’s the same name as my mom’s. Let’s save your mom. And not fight.

Superman: Not fight each other.

Batman: Yes, that.

~

(Batman saves Superman’s mom)

Batman: I’m a friend of your son’s.

Martha: (actual funny line that way too many people who had left the theater already missed)

~

Lex Luthor: Look! I’m doing things evilly and I made Doomsday

Doomsday: HRUUUUUUUUGH

Superman: Imma punch that

(Superman does so)

Doomsday: HRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH.

(Doomsday sends Superman flying a bit)

Wonder Woman: I’m here and I’m going to kick ass!

Superman: wait, who is she?

Batman: the one character in this movie who didn’t have enough screen-time to be wrecked.

Doomsday: HRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!

Batman: okay, the one character with actual lines.

Superman: Ah. Well I’m going to get stab it with a spear made of shit that kills me.

Lois: Here’s the spear that will kill Doomsday and you, but if you want I could just run this over to Batman or Wonder Woman and one of them could kill Doomsday.

Superman: nope, got this.

Audience: OH COME ON

Wonder Woman: well actually, I’ve got Doomsday tied up here so you probably have time to give that spear to–

(Superman stabs Doomsday)

Wonder Woman: Okay, whatever.

Doomsday: fuck you I mean HRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH

(Doomsday stabs Superman)

Batman: What a heroic and symbolic sacrifice.

Wonder Woman: We could call an ambulance?

Lois: I was dating Superman.

~

(two funerals happen at once)

Super Director Zach Snyder: SEE, THIS REPRESENTS THAT SUPERMAN WAS BOTH A PERSON AND A SUPERHERO. TWO SEPARATE PEOPLE WHO MEANT TWO SEPARATE THINGS TO

~

Everyone: Welp, he’s dead. Yep. Dead. He was great.

Coffin: Fuck,  nope — think he’s alive actually. Come back? No?

~

Batman: Can anyone–anyone?!–please explain how the hell this movie wasn’t based on the rather obvious yet still interesting fact that Superman and I are both heroes, but Superman kills people and I don’t? Anyone? No?

(credits)