I finally read Harry Potter and the Cursed Child (Parts One and Two). Finished it today, in fact. This isn’t going to be a long or particularly detailed review, but there were some particulars I wanted to mention about the book.
First impressions overall, I thought the book was good. I went into it basically only having the short review of the friend who lent me their copy of the book, and who rated it a 2.5 out of 5. So, I had a cautious and skeptical approach to the book as I opened the cover to begin reading. But that slipped away, and I found myself no longer paying attention to time as I flipped page after page.
There are spoilers ahead, so if you don’t want those, stop reading and come back later.
One of the things I enjoyed about the book was how certain elements clued in from the beginning was woven into the solutions and eurekas at the climax and near the end. Granted, that’s a pretty standard storytelling technique, but particular moments like with Harry Potter’s baby blanket became nice illustrations of that technique.
I sometimes think time travel (as in plots that involve the act of traveling in time, not the act of creating prequels) is an easy answer to recycling a good series, but that didn’t stop me from still finding some enjoyment in this book. That said, I’m squinting my eyes hard at more and more popular series/stories recycling old plots or content through the instrument of time travel. I hope that it doesn’t become an apparatus so commonplace that it becomes boring or predictable. I like time travel stories, but I don’t like seeing it becoming a cashcow opportunity.
So far as the plot of HP#8, it definitely seemed to me to be much more about the relationships between Harry Potter and his son Albus, as well as Albus and his friend Scorpius Malfoy, than about the second rising of Voldemort, even though that was used as a vehicle for the relationship plots. And I liked that. Bringing back Voldemort would be quite a bit boring and would have appeared like the writers were just returning to material “that worked before” rather than trying to reinvent something more fresh.
That said, there are times I was not entirely sold that the reason Harry and Albus had such a tense relationship was because Albus was concerned about living up to the Potter name, worried about disappointing his dad, jealousy, and embarrassment. I realize that’s what they were going for, but throughout the book you are more or less told this like “hey guys, this is the reason they are not getting along.” And there could have been an even deeper build and more complex background to the tension that Harry and Albus share than the usual “my dad is famous and I’m a nobody loser.” And near the end, it got really Lion King-y with the whole son: “I thought you were never afraid,” father: “There were many times I have been afraid. / Even great heroes can be afraid. / I was very afraid because I thought I was going to lose you” stuff.
Generally, I enjoyed the transitions in the book, and watching them play out in my head made for some pretty poignant visuals, and I can sort of imagine how the lighting and staging could make this pretty powerful.
After reading it, I went over to my Goodreads app to log it. The rating from the 300k+ people who have rated it on the app is exactly the right rating for this book. 3.77 out of 5.
Note: I wrote this awhile ago and then forgot to post it. Since I’ve having some issues getting my newest post onto wordpress, read this in the meantime. You might laugh. If you don’t keep in mind that it was funnier back when people were actually seeing the movie. I promise.
~
Zach Snyder: ready, we’re going to have Batman and Superman fight.
Superman: Okay
Batman: I’m magic
~
(Somewhere that is not America)
Person of Color No.1: I am pretty sure I am a terrorist
Person of Color No. 2: yes. Look, we have captured Amy Adams!
POC1: Why would they even hire her for this movie? She’s going to be totally wasted on this film.
Amy Adams as Lois: Save me, Superman! In The Year 2016, Save Me! A Grown-Ass Woman!
POC2: Agreed. Also, I have been crushed.
(Superman saves her)
Lois: Bae
Superman: Let us leave now.
(White terrorists kill black terrorists, because white people are even better at terrorism!)
~
(Later)
First Black Person Who Isn’t A Terrorist: Hi
Reporter: Are You A Terrorist?!
~
(Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne meet at a Lex Luthor event)
Lex Luthor: Hello, I am Jesse Eisenberg playing Lex Luthor. Some people actually praised me for how I played this part, because every other character in this movie acts as if they just watched a puppy die! However, I am still fucking obnoxious!
Reviewers: What spirit! He’s actually having fun in this movie!
Crowd at Manor: Yay or something!
Audience: I’m actually at this movie.
Kent (to Wayne): Batman’s a jerk.
Wayne (to Kent): Don’t you write for a shitty newspaper?
Kent: Yeah-No, we just like to write about Superman.
Wayne: Superman’s a jerk.
Kent: No, he’s great.
Wayne: Well, Batman’s great.
Kent: He Is Not
Wayne: My, this sure is a battle of wits.
Kent: Okay I agree this establishes how smart and affluent we are.
Zach Snyder & No One Else: Yessssssss!
~
(Later, at the Senate)
Senator: People died where you were.
Superman: Uh…
Senator: You are overstepping your bounds. I’m going to talk to Lex Luthor about this.
Audience: Does…anyone…in this…movie…think?
~
Senator: let’s stop Superman, who I think might be too powerful.
Lex Luthor: ah, Superman. What a prick. He answers to no one. I, on the other hand, head up a multinational corporation that clearly has questionable ethics standards and functions essentially outside the law as well.
Senator: Hmm, no actually I think we shouldn’t talk.
Lex Luthor: No I think we should.
Senator: Huh, okay.
(Later)
Senator: No, we should not talk.
Lex Luthor: He could she possibly get that I’m evil? Ah well, time to blow her up.
~
Snyder: Okay what’s the most offensive, awful event I could shoehorn into this plotline where the Senator is blow up?
Scriptwriter: Uh…maybe a disabled veteran could blow himself up inside a senatorial hearing?
Snyder: Brilliant.
Scriptwriter: that was supposed to be hypothetical
Snyder: Hypowhat? Anyway, put it in.
~
Senator: Superman, you’re doing things.
Superman: Yes I am.
(Explosion)
Superman: Shit, I’m getting blamed for this by total morons, aren’t I?
~
Batman: Wow, I definitely blame Superman for that.
Alfred: Sir, shouldn’t you have children by now?
Batman: I can’t do math, you see.
Alfred: Yes, sir.
Batman: and thus, I have to kill him.
Audience: oh…c’mon, really?
~
Lex Luthor: I have two brilliant plans. I’m obnoxious.
Audience: How much screentime does he get?
General Zod: Is…is there a reason I’m still not decomposed or…?
Lex Luthor: I’m going to make you into Doomsday using my blood and an alien spacecraft that for some goddamn reason listens to me, okay?
General Zod: Excellent, there are no plot holes here. I am also dead and therefore cannot disagree.
~
Lex Luthor: Superman, I hate you.
Superman: Okay.
Lex Luthor: I have your mom captive.
Superman: Hey, that sucks. I am displaying emotion for the first time in the movie.
Lex Luthor: Fight Batman.
Superman: What?
Lex Luthor: (blowhard speech about gods and men and bullshit)
Superman: Okay, okay I’ll fight him leave me alone.
Lex Luthor: if you don’t fight him, your mom dies.
Superman: Okay, I think I already agreed to fight him.
~
(Batman and Superman begin to fight)
Superman: Hello, we shouldn’t fight because–
(Batman attempts to kill him, Superman is unfazed)
Superman: Ahem. We shouldn’t fight because–
(Batman attempts to kill him again, Superman is again unfazed)
Superman: that’s weird. Thought you didn’t like guns? Anyway–
Batman: You’re a threat to this world! You damaged my penis–I mean, my car!
(Batman starts fight again, Superman kicks his ass)
Batman: Owwwww
Superman: shit, I forgot what I was going to say! Somehow, against all odds, I’m not fucking mentioning that I’m only fighting you because of Lex Luthor!
Batman: I only have two kryptonite-grenades for some reason, but I just remembered I made those so HA take that.
(Batman throws kryptonite grenade, it hurts Superman. Batman kicks Superman’s ass)
Superman: Owwwww
Batman: I’m going to stick a spear through your chest!
Superman: No don’t, my mom!
Batman: Fucking what?
Lois Lane: His mom’s name is Martha.
Batman: Good point. That’s the same name as my mom’s. Let’s save your mom. And not fight.
Superman: Not fight each other.
Batman: Yes, that.
~
(Batman saves Superman’s mom)
Batman: I’m a friend of your son’s.
Martha: (actual funny line that way too many people who had left the theater already missed)
~
Lex Luthor: Look! I’m doing things evilly and I made Doomsday
Doomsday: HRUUUUUUUUGH
Superman: Imma punch that
(Superman does so)
Doomsday: HRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH.
(Doomsday sends Superman flying a bit)
Wonder Woman: I’m here and I’m going to kick ass!
Superman: wait, who is she?
Batman: the one character in this movie who didn’t have enough screen-time to be wrecked.
Doomsday: HRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!
Batman: okay, the one character with actual lines.
Superman: Ah. Well I’m going to get stab it with a spear made of shit that kills me.
Lois: Here’s the spear that will kill Doomsday and you, but if you want I could just run this over to Batman or Wonder Woman and one of them could kill Doomsday.
Superman: nope, got this.
Audience: OH COME ON
Wonder Woman: well actually, I’ve got Doomsday tied up here so you probably have time to give that spear to–
(Superman stabs Doomsday)
Wonder Woman: Okay, whatever.
Doomsday: fuck you I mean HRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH
(Doomsday stabs Superman)
Batman: What a heroic and symbolic sacrifice.
Wonder Woman: We could call an ambulance?
Lois: I was dating Superman.
~
(two funerals happen at once)
Super Director Zach Snyder: SEE, THIS REPRESENTS THAT SUPERMAN WAS BOTH A PERSON AND A SUPERHERO. TWO SEPARATE PEOPLE WHO MEANT TWO SEPARATE THINGS TO
~
Everyone: Welp, he’s dead. Yep. Dead. He was great.
Batman: Can anyone–anyone?!–please explain how the hell this movie wasn’t based on the rather obvious yet still interesting fact that Superman and I are both heroes, but Superman kills people and I don’t? Anyone? No?
Game Mechanics 